Letters To A Cold Corporation

All these brands are so honest and authentic and friendly and open nowadays, but only few of them get a chance to practise their super-fun customer service message with someone who might concievably write something funny and then post it on Twitter. So if your local friendly global corporate entity wants to get like Sainsburys and Tiger-Giraffe Bread, you better reply to one of my letters. Or just send me some free vouchers.


Eat, Christmas 2011.

Dear Eat,
I love you, I really do. That is why I queued up today to buy a Christmas Full Works sandwich, in the hope of a turkey taste explosion in my mouth. I also got it toasted. For a toasted turkey taste explosion. But there is no point in me paying seventy extra pence – that’s seven shiny silver ten pence pieces or three of those funny shaped twenty pence pieces plus a ten – for you to toast my sandwich if by the time it’s back in my office (a mere five minute walk away) it is cold and flabby. Flabby is rarely a word I associate with sandwiches, but unfortunately it was all that would do this sandwich justice. I can only presume the moistness of the cranberry sauce has absorbed into the cooling bread through the layer of lukewarm turkey and created this inexplicable phenomena, previously unknown to the sandwich world. I might even venture to say your Christmas ‘The Full Works’ sandwich should be renamed ‘The Doesn’t Fully Work’ sandwich. Hahaha. Or ho ho ho. Please stop ruining Christmas.


(Eat sent me £3 worth of vouchers and a boring apology. Thanks, Eat.)


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